Check Your Windows: Become a Better Neighbor through Self-Assessment

There’s a story that’s stayed with me over the years—one that reminds me how our perspectives can be clouded by our own lenses. In the story, there is a man who repeatedly criticizes his neighbor’s dirty curtains. Every day, the man peers out of the front window and expresses disgust over his neighbor’s lack of attention to cleanliness as well as the negative impact on curb appeal and property value in the neighborhood. One day, to his surprise, the curtains are finally clean! Relieved and delighted, he tells his relative that the neighbor had finally washed the curtains—only to receive a gentle correction. “The neighbor didn’t wash the curtains. I cleaned our windows.”

At the heart of this story is an invitation to self-assessment. Before we critique the world around us—or, more pointedly, the people in our neighborhoods—we ought to ask: How does the condition of our own windows impact our perceptions?

Why Self-Assessment?

When we evaluate our neighborhoods, it is easy to start with others, but this blog post is not about your neighbors; it is about you. It is an invitation to examine the multiple circles of your life. Your neighbors, yes, but also your co-workers, your friends, and even your companions in your worship community or local recreation league. I am inviting you to look at the spaces where you work, live, play and worship (if worship is in your schema, or routine experience) because these environments shape our values, perspectives, and behaviors. And, often, they reflect our knowledge gaps.  

From whom we brunch with (if we brunch at all), to the people we have at our kitchen tables or kids’ birthday parties, our circles tell us about whom we invite into our worlds and whom we don’t. Research studies have taught us that insider/outsider schemas are at play for all of us and we are more benevolent—generous and gracious—towards people who are part of our insider groups. What happens, then, to people who are outsiders to us? The complete opposite. We are not apathetic to people who are outsiders—we are harsh, hypercritical, and unforgiving (Fiske, 2010; Tajfel & Turner, 1986).

When our circles and environments are homogenous, specific to race, class, religion, culture, or any other social identifier, we fail to recognize the cloudy haze that coats our windows. We may absorb biased media narratives, engage in surface-level efforts that prioritize our comfort over meaningful connections, and congratulate ourselves for proximity without ever asking the hard questions: Are my relationships mutual? Do my neighbors who are outside of the majority feel a sense of safety or belonging in our shared spaces? When they share their experiences, do I get defensive? Do I oblige them to explain themselves? Do I believe them?

I once attended a graduation party for the niece of a beloved family friend, a young woman from a multiethnic family with a rich cross-continental upbringing. As I interacted with her relatives—some in traditional attire, many from religious traditions unfamiliar to me—I became hyper-aware of my own presence: my words, my gestures, even my clothes. Though I have spent most of my adult life being trained to engage in culture and religion, in that moment I realized how insufficient study is without lived experience. Real learning happens in context.

A Strategy for Self-Assessment

If you want to grow in your own self-awareness and move towards more meaningful and impactful relationships in all areas of your life, ongoing self-assessment is very important—even necessary. Evaluate your zip code, your neighborhood, your inner circle, and yourself. Reflect on the spaces where you spend your time, then ask: What am I missing because I haven’t cleaned my own windows?

The activity below is a great starting place to ask those questions and make those personal assessments. Regard them as an orientation to your own starting point—not judgement and not the finish line.

Identify one example for each “Where do I…” prompt. Be as specific as possible. Then, consider who is present, and who is not present, in each space. Finally, think about your own windows and mirrors. Like the man in the initial story, what perceptions of others do you have that might be challenged? What self-reflection (the mirrors) can you do to grow and learn?

Where do I live? Consider the city, county, and specific neighborhood that you live in. Is it a “blue, red, or swing” state? Is it northern or southern? Is it a red county in a blue state or vice versa? Consider who lives in your particular neighborhood in terms of abilities, language, race, class, marital status, and religion. Is everyone a homeowner? How do people’s experiences differ based on the identities they hold?

Where do I work? What industry do you work in? Is it dominated by a specific gender? Who is in leadership? Who serves on the board? How are leadership perceptions influenced by social identity? What is it like for people who are outside of the majority or who are not represented within the leadership team?

Where do I play? Where do you go for recreation and relaxation? Who else plays there (or not)? Where do you choose to dine out? Do you attend different types of artistic or cultural performances, or watch athletic events? Do any of these have a variety of people from your community? Could you choose different forms of entertainment to support different communities where you live?

Where do I worship? What type of worship community are you a part of (if this is part of your spiritual life)? Are the people there representative of the community? What style of music is used? Is that the same as all worship communities in your area? Are there places near you that you could visit to learn more about the spiritual practices in your community?

This exercise is a barometer. Once you take your temperature, decide whether or not your social context matches your values and then respond accordingly. Being a good neighbor isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence. It’s about showing up, again and again, with an open heart and clean windows (or at least an acknowledgement that it may be time to wash them).