It wasn’t all that long ago when I learned that there are different types of listening. As someone who’s come to realize that learning is one of my core values, I can’t say that I’m necessarily ashamed to admit this.  

However, when it became clear to me that I firmly landed in a distinct category of listeners, it gave me pause. I decided that I needed to reassess how I approach conversations and really work on improving my listening skills. 

For context, here are the five levels of listening as outlined by Dr. Neha Sangwan in her book, TalkRx.  

• The first is “closed listening”—also known as, not listening. 

• The second is “head listening,” when you’re more focused on yourself than on your conversation partner. (This is the one that most resonated with me, and I’ll elaborate on that in just a moment.) 

• The third is “ears-only listening,” during which the listener tunes in to the spoken facts during a conversation. 

• The fourth is “heart listening” and, as the name suggests, this is when you listen for the emotions underneath the spoken facts.  

• Finally, there’s “open listening,” which occurs when we listen for others’ values as they speak—and when we pursue common ground. A lofty goal? Perhaps. But that’s why Sangwan considers it the highest level of listening. 

Now, I don’t relate to head listening because I’m full of myself or have an inflated sense of ego. Contrary to my astrological sign (Leo), I actually detest being the center of attention.  

I relate to it because head listening can look like “half-listening” to the conversation partner. As in, “I’m too busy or distracted to give you my undivided attention.” For me, while distractions can get in the way, it’s usually more like this: I’m so invested in what the other person is saying that I start thinking of responses before he or she has even had a chance to finish speaking. 

And, sometimes, those responses make their way from my brain to my mouth and out into the ether before my conversation partner has indeed had the chance to finish speaking. 

That’s right—I’m an interrupter. 

I wasn’t completely aware of this pesky habit of mine until my brother brought it to my attention. (Sometimes, we need the ones closest to us to give us a little “tough love.”) Ever since then, I’ve tried to be more mindful of when and how I speak. I pride myself on being a good friend, and I think most of us can agree that listening is a huge part of that.  

But this isn’t just some unspoken truth. It’s backed by research. 

According to data from More in Common, a U.S. nonprofit working to bridge gaps between Americans, 40% of people who feel excluded in their communities cited “no one really listens to me” as a driving factor.  

When people feel unheard, they likewise feel unseen. This detachment from others only contributes to the epidemic of loneliness that we’re all currently facing in this country. Human beings need meaningful connections and a sense of belonging, not only to survive … but to thrive. 

In her new book, Deep Listening: Transform Your Relationships with Family, Friends, and Foes, author Emily Kasriel outlines her method for authentically lending an ear to others. So, how do we harness this “deep” listening? According to Kasriel, it involves both a mindset and a skillset.  

Let’s start with the skillset, since that may feel more tangible and achievable. Practicing deep listening involves making direct eye contact with the speaker, maintaining open body language (i.e., leaning in rather than sitting back with your arms crossed), and even repeating back what you just heard, in order to confirm that you’ve gathered all the information accurately. 

Sounds simple enough, right? And a little effort goes a long way. Now, let’s get to the mindset bit, which may prove trickier for some. 

This is about shedding preconceived notions, resisting the urge to make snap judgments, and silencing internal thoughts. (The latter is the one I’m working on, as a recovering head listener-slash-interrupter.) The end goal is to understand the speaker’s underlying values through what he or she is saying. Sound familiar? Yes, it’s similar to Sangwan’s “open” listening. 

An important point to remember is that practicing this type of listening does not mean that you must agree with everything the other person is saying. On the contrary, the priority is treating others with respect—which is a catalyst for vulnerability, mutual trust, and deeper connections. 

As we enter the holiday season, we have lots of opportunities to practice deep listening. Opportunities with family and friends, yes, but also with neighbors. So, take some time to consider how you can be a more open listener. Maybe it’s at the community Christmas tree lighting. Your Friendsgiving. Or when delivering holiday treats to your next-door neighbors.  

If we want to create and nurture hopeful neighborhoods, then we need to pay attention to what our neighbors are saying (and not only focus on what we ourselves want to say). When everyone is heard—and everyone feels respected—then the possibilities are endless. So, let’s pursue the common good together … one conversation at a time. 

Here are few other blogs posts about listening and building trust with our neighbors:

What to do When Your Neighbor is Grieving

Parking Spots and Deli Meat

What I Learned About Neighboring from Fred Rogers: Listening